I'm Having Sex with My Ex

By Lisa Thomas, LCSW, LMFT, DAACS

 

The decision has been made to end the marriage; difficult choices have been made about living arrangements, finances and child custody issues, but what about sex? Statistically, about 50% of the population continues to have sexual relations or shared intimacy post-divorce, especially if sex was never a problem in the relationship. What's the deal with this behavior? Should we be engaging in sex after divorce, is it really harmful or is it painless?

One of the primary issues that people face when dealing with divorce is loneliness. A divorce is one of the highest stressors that a person can face in their lifetime, in fact, it can seem worse than a death because at least when people die you don't have to share your children with them. Being lonely can motivate people to do things and behave in ways that later on wouldn't seem to have been the best ideas. When going through a divorce, you have to learn to exchange old behaviors for new ones, and sex is an included behavior.

Take the case of "Heather" who was married for 7 years and had 2 children with her ex-husband. They had agreed to an amicable divorce, physically separated into different homes, began the child custody arrangements and never stopped their physical relationship. "Being able to have sexual relations with my ex was nice. I was grieving the loss of him in pieces instead of all at once." Their sexual relationship continued on for about 8 months after the separation and eventually, was put to an end by Heather. "Towards the end when we had to make big decisions about the children, I felt that continuing to see him physically was working against me while I was trying to keep a straight head about both the settlement and custody agreement. Continuing to have a sexual relationship with him, while familiar, was only causing me to stay stuck in my marriage rather than beginning to live my life as a single divorced woman. Once I made a decision to stop, it felt good. It was hard but it was also the final step towards accepting my new life."

The first year post divorce will be the hardest. This year is highlighted by too many changes to count and sleeping with your ex-spouse can offer some degree of familiarity when your whole world seems to be changing. The ones who seem to be engaging in ex-sex behavior seem to have a few criteria which include; No strings attached to the sex, which can make it irresistible. Being comfortable with the sex, perhaps your ex was your first love or the only person who has ever satisfied you sexually. Also, being lonely or depressed can make you crave physical intimacy even if the marriage is over. Finally, it is easy to think of your ex as a potential sexual partner, after all, they were their before and have been for years.

Starting over sexually with a new partner can seem scary and it's normal to have feelings around this. Having sex with your ex is a bad idea because it can lead to problems including staying stuck in the process of letting go of the marriage, feeling depressed, lonely, jealous and worst of all regretful. Setting boundaries sexually for both yourself and your ex needs to happen, it will free you to continue on with your life and towards what the future holds for you.